So what’s interesting about this check-in is that it’s also my one year(is) crossfit check-in. My first WOD was 3/23/2013, so it’s between this month’s and next month’s check-in… and today is my mom’s birthday and I have a lot to say. So I’m saying it today, and you’re going to like it. Or not, I guess. Whatever. It’s my blog, ok?

First, let’s get my usual check-in stats out of the way…

March 2014 Health Stats

Height: 5’5”
Weight: 146.4 [No Change (This Month)] [-8.6 (From Start)]
Muscle Mass: 35.5% [No Change (This Month)] [+.7 (From Start)]
Bone Mass: 4.9% [Static]
Body Water: 54.5% [No Change (This Month)] [+0.7 (From Start)]
Body Fat: 22.4% [No Change  (This Month)] [-1.2(From Start)]

Everything is literally the same. Weird. Not good or bad, I suppose, but very interesting. I *did* have an entire week where my schedule was out of whack and I ate fast food for pretty much every meal because I was on a work trip and rushing EVERYWHERE…. So I’m going to count this as a win. I’m back on track now and I actually made some delicious pork last night that I’ll be eating this week… yum.

PR Updates

I haven’t really been lifting heavy OR crossfitting much this month since I’ve been tapering for the meet on Sunday… but I’ve been working specifically on my freestanding handstands and it’s definitely paying off!

Chest to Bar Pullups: 3 Cont. Strict.
Freestanding Handstand: 6 seconds
Hang Snatch: 115#
Row 5k: 28:17 (four MINUTE PR!)

Life, Love, and Lifting

As many of you know, whether you know me in my real life or through my blog, a lot has happened to me in the past calendar year. One of the most wonderful things has been joining Crossfit and the community at Crossfit Nassau. It’s truly become an aspect of my life that I can’t imagine having been without. Sometimes, though, I get asked the question, “Why are you at the ‘gym’ so much?” My answer is usually, “Because my friends are there!!” and for many people, that answer is sufficient. Others, though, push further. I was recently asked, maybe six weeks or so ago, if I kept my schedule so busy with derby, crossfit, lifting, and sorority activities, because I was running from something.

That hit me kind of hard.

Am I running from something?

Do I keep myself busy with activities and other people so I don’t have to sit down and examine myself, to answer the hard questions about what I want, who I am, and where I’m going?

If the answer is yes, do I care?

What’s my motivation for everything I do, anyway?

When I joined Crossfit, it was for the fitness. For the crosstraining for derby. That much I can tell you with absolute certainty.

After I tested out of onramp and my relationship with my ex-boyfriend started to get rocky, it was definitely an escape from home (we lived together). “I’m going to the gym” sounds a lot better than “I don’t want to sleep with you right now,” doesn’t it?

After we broke up, it was an escape from my emotions. I was sad, and then scared, and then everything all at once. I didn’t want to be in my house (again), so I went out.

By that point my crossfit friends had started to become my family – they noticed that my personality was different in September, and wanted to know what was wrong. The story of what happened came out, and everyone banded together around me. I didn’t go a night without someone checking in if I had something to do, or I wanted to come have dinner, or just hang out at the box.

I fell into a routine of Sunday derby, Monday box,  Tuesday derby, Wednesday box, Thursday family/friends, Friday box, Saturday, and then repeat. I’m still following this schedule and it’s amazing. I love it. But none of this fully answers the question of why I keep myself so busy. I think it’s clear that exercise is my escape – I know that when I’m working my body to it’s full potential, I can’t allow myself to be unfocused. In derby, in crossfit, in oly… if I’m committed to my workout, the rest of my worries take a backseat. I can’t entertain them and frankly they melt away. Physical work allows my emotional problems to become… inconsequential. I need that in my life. It makes me feel stable and whole and peaceful. Of course I want to be healthy and strong and we’ll get to why that’s important, but I think the primary factor here is me. I move because it saves me. As Bonnie D. Stroir said so eloquently, “we destroy our bodies to save our souls, and somehow that makes perfect sense.”

With that in mind, there’s another aspect to this motivation equation for me.

I mentioned that today is my mom’s birthday. That is relevant.

My mom is one of the most amazing women I know. We fought incessantly throughout my entire childhood. I was a pain from the moment I was born, from what I understand, but I’m also told that I’m just like my mother. We’re stubborn, smart, and passionate people. Even more than me, this past year+ has been hard on my mom. My father’s infidelity has impacted her the most drastically, because, of course, she picked him to be part of her life. My brother and I are born into our family, but my mother and father chose to trust each other and *become* the family that my brother and I became a part of.

I have always, always been that tough girl who did what she wanted, but deep inside it always has made me happy when I made my parents proud, especially my mom. Of course I’ve had to shake things up, but my determination (like taking calculus my senior year to prove a point when I didn’t have to because my parents and guidance counselor said it would be “better for my GPA” if I skipped math my senior year… yeah. don’t doubt my abilities, people!) has always served to accelerate me towards a goal I’ve had for myself, albeit sometimes in a convoluted sort of way. How does this relate? Where am I going? Alright… I’ll try to get to the point.

This year+ has been bad for my mom. Really bad. Emotionally, physically, pretty much in every way you can imagine. As her daughter, even being grown, there’s just not much you can do for someone when their heart and trust and life is shattered. I can’t even begin to express how useless you can feel when your mother tells you she’s so depressed that she doesn’t want to get out of bed and there’s just NOTHING you can do. Nothing.

So I think part of me publicizing what I’m doing with my workouts, what I’m eating, when I’m competing…. it’s for my mom. I know that when I succeed, it makes her happy. It’s something that I can do to inspire her, to remind her that I’m here for her and I’m succeeding, even when things are hard for her. I’m here, I’m happy, and I’m living. I can inspire her by just being me.

Year two of crossfit, my first full year of lifting, my fourth year of derby, basically my entire 2014, I’m dedicating to my mom. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without her example, guidance, and love. Here’s to another year of gains and more positivity for the both of us.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you. <3