I’m single.

This is not news.

As of this month it’s officially been a year, and it’s been an AMAZING year for me. However, it’s nice to have someone to share things with, so recently I’ve delved into the online dating sphere… sometimes, I wish I hadn’t. I’m going to start a little series where I share some of the most choice examples of masculinity there are to be found in the online dating world.

Since this is the first installment and I’ve been saving them up, this may be a bit long. Bear with me, there’s a real treat at the end, I promise!

First and foremost, here are some generic stats of the messages I have received in the past 3 weeks, in order of frequency…

# of messages that I have gotten that just say some version of “hi, hey, or hello”: 73

# of messages that mention nothing other than something about my physical looks: 33

# of obvious form messages: 31

# of decent messages that mention SOMETHING I mention in my profile: 24

Yes, I understand that it’s hard to come up with something witty and engaging and all that. I’m not asking for an essay on the meaning of life, but just an indication that you did something other than look at my pictures would be helpful if you’d like to start a conversation. Right? Or is that asking way too much. If it is, I’m definitely screwed. Online dating IS NOT the bar. You have all this information about the person. Hello just ain’t gonna cut it, dude.

Next up are some choice, awkward messages. Mind you, there are no other messages or interaction before any of these:

1. Mind being spoiled?

2. Sexyyyy

3. Pink hair…you.must be would haha 😉

4. What’s going on sexy…I definitely like what I see so hit me back

5. Hey I have so many things I want to ask you. I also don’t want to seem like I am wasting your time or seem like one of those crazy stalker guys. I would like no less than to impress you with the type of mind that is befitting of an intelligent young man, although my age my not be that appealing. Check my profile out and tell me if you are interested in chatting. I hope I catch your eye

6. I did not realize they had mixed men/women matches in roller derby, seems kinda brutal lol. is there a rule against hitting women? I feel like all the women would get thrown out of the ring

7. Meet me so you can get off this site.

8. Hey I’m Charlie nice to meet you. I would really like to get to know more about you , as long as you’re capable of actually holding a conversation haha. Hope to hear from you soon.

9. You’re attractive and on here, should I assume you’re crazy in person? :p

Sometimes I want to say snarky things back. But I usually refuse. Here is what I would have liked to say to these people:

1. As opposed to… what?

2. (Ok, I would never respond to this online… But if it was real life?) *gives face*

3. Must be would? Like wood? Like a statue or a carving? That would be strange. If you mean wild… I don’t even know. I just don’t.

4. Is that a statement? Going on sexy… like you start with cute and then advance to attractive and then you’re hot and then you become sexy? I suppose that could be a progression. Oh and I would happily hit you. With a bat.

5. WHAT IS THIS FORM MESSAGE?! You are terrifying me with your obliviousness. I am horrified that you think anyone would respond to this. I wonder if anyone has…. Now I’m just curious.

6. A derby rant would occur here. What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you think I want to hear your misogynist bullshit? Fuck you and your fucking stereotypes and idiocy. I hate people.

7. Would that meeting end in my death? It certainly sounds that way.

8. Nope. Incapable of human communication. 100011000101010100011110

9. Yep.

If that wasn’t enough for you…. sometimes I really just can’t resist. Here are a few of the selections from when I just can’t contain myself.

1.
Dude: Hey whats up? Glad I came across your profile, liked what I read. You seem very down to earth somebody I’d like to get to know more of if given a chance too 🙂 hope to hear from ya :-))

Me: *wakes up* *looks at phone before going to work*

(5 minutes go by and I’m in the car on the way to work)
Dude: Damn I must be really repulsive
Me: Or I was heading out to work and didn’t have a chance to respond. But at least now I know I don’t have to write more than just this one message. Have a nice day! 🙂
Dude: Well thats fucked up considering im calling myself repulsive which you cant denie. Obviously a beautiful girl like you can have anyone. Regardless you would of never wrote back. You have a nice day too honey

My Final Thoughts: Um… no. My not responding would have nothing to do with your looks. It has to do with your rudeness. And if you can’t notice that… well you have more problems than I even know how to begin to address. 

2.

Dude: Im brad and id like to stop by and introduce myself:)
Im 24, whiteboy who loves the outdoors, sports, cars, beaches, movies, anything active:)
I’m new to the area
Hope to hear back from you!!

Me: You do realize you already sent me a copy of this same form message, right? (Note, I didn’t respond the first time.) You really should keep track of who you’re copy and pasting your intro message to.

Dude: Yes i wasn’t sure though but why are you bot interested dear?

Me: I’m really not obliged to answer that but I’ll humor you with a few of the reasons:

1. You’re too young for me.
2. You’re sending form messages and you messaged me with it TWICE in ONE DAY.
3. It’s a shitty form message – your grammar is atrocious and I’m really unclear as to why you had to specify that you’re a “whiteboy.”

Good luck finding what you’re looking for, though, even though it’s not me!

Dude: Well ok dear have a goodnight

My Final Thoughts: I just… there isn’t even anything to say here. Nothing can make this any better.  

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd here is the cream of the crop, the ultimate reason why I am finally buckling down and writing this blog….

*drumroll*

“Would you ever consider making me buy you things or making me do chores?”

Now, you’re probably asking yourself why this is the best one.

Because a friend of mine happened to be posting on Facebook about weird online dating messages she was getting…. so I decided to share that one with her.

She responded with a screenshot of the SAME GUY who sent her the EXACT SAME MESSAGE.

I can’t.

*dead*

#thisiswhyimsingle