I’ve been putting off this post for a while, I think because I haven’t been sure what to say, how to say it, or where to start.

So sitting here on the last night of 2013, I’ve decided to take some of my own advice and just start writing. Hopefully something good will come of this in the end.

When I think back on 2013, I don’t even know what to reflect on first. My first instinct is to say that this year was awful. There were some major life happenings that really just threw me and my family for several kingda-ka sized loops. Let’s review the major ones, and get out of the way the reasons I think I’ve been delaying this entry…

1. My Father

Let’s just get right out and say it. Over memorial day weekend in 2012, my mother, brother and I learned that my father had been having an affair. Not just some accidental “oh sorry I made a mistake one time” type of affair, but a 4 year long with the same woman, hiding, lying and sneaking around kind of affair. We only found out that Sunday night because my father had his bags packed and was planning on leaving us for her, forever. My father left that night, and didn’t return until January of 2013, at which point he slick-talked my mother into giving him a second chance at their marriage. (Mind you, this is after he proposed to the mistress during his absence. With a $1,000 ring from Macy’s, no less.) My brother and I refused to accept his so called change of heart, and continued to conduct our lives without his presence. We frankly didn’t trust that he was reconciling with our mother because he loved her. We believed that he was only back “with her” in an attempt to regain our good graces. Sure enough, after several heartbreaking months during which my father refused counseling, my mother learned that he was once again speaking to his mistress. She kicked him out and he promptly returned to Colorado to continue his tryst. At this point, my mother re-filed her divorce papers, which now needed to essentially start from scratch due to the time that had elapsed, so the cost for my parents would now double, for them to get divorced. My parents agreed to put their home on the market, my mother coordinated the entire sale of the house, and now on January 8th, 2014, my childhood home will officially belong to another family. However, within the past few days, although the paperwork has been refiled, the house sold, and another house purchased by my mother for her to live in, my father has attempted to woo her into reconciliation YET AGAIN. In addition, of course, to sending a plethora of sad texts to my brother and I about how he misses and loves us, which only serves to solidify our initial analysis of his so-called reconciliation with our mother is in part due to his desire to somehow reconnect with the two of us.

The real kicker about the whole thing with my father is that he claims that he doesn’t understand what any of this has to do with my brother and I, or how his behavior towards and treatment of our mother in any way effects us.

Now, putting aside the fact that my primary male role model has, to date, lied to my face, abandoned me and my family, and made a list of reasons why I’m at fault in his DIVORCE, there’s just so much more than that at stake here. Like it or not, when they have a father in their lives, daughters base so much of their self worth in relationships on how their fathers have treated their mothers. The relationship that I’m supposed to be able to model my future happiness after, is completely broken. Shattered, if you will. I never, ever, in a million years, thought that this is how my parents’ marriage would end. My brother and I always knew it was rocky because of a multitude of factors, but my father rocked our entire worlds when this came to light. Frankly, I’m just not sure how I’m supposed to be able to trust a guy, any other guy, after seeing my parents ~30year marriage destroyed by such blatant dishonesty, lies and treachery. I really, really, really just don’t know how to get past this. I’m sure I will and I’ll look back on this and wonder why I thought it was such a big deal, but these kinds of thing shave a way of sticking with a person. I worry that it will always be in the back of my mind when I’m with someone… do they really love me? Is this real? Is what happened to my mom going to happen to me?

So there’s that.

2. My Breakup

Going into 2013, I had been dating the same guy for over 2 years. We had started to have some problems at the end of 2012, but we had talked and were trying to work things out. However, a lot of things really started piling up for us over the course of the year, and in August I finally got the balls up to break off what had become an exceedingly unhealthy relationship. Since we’d been living together, my ex was taking a few days to get his belongings together and whatnot, which was fine… but on Labor Day his friends dropped him off at my place drunk and with a concussion. (I’ll try and keep this brief because I’m still pretty concerned about inciting drama from telling this story, but you know what, it’s my life too, so I’m going to say what I need to say.) My roommate ended up driving my ex back to his parents’ house because things were becoming problematic; however, after being dropped off, my ex called and started berating and threatening me on the phone. I ended up in a screaming match with him before hanging up on the call. About 20 minutes later, he arrived at my house, having been driven by his older brother, who when asked later why he did it, said he “had no choice” but to drive my ex to my house. My ex continued his verbal harassment of me, demanding back items that he hadn’t moved out yet, or that didn’t belong to him (i.e. some shelving units that we had borrowed from the family of a mutual friend). I was pretty agitated at this point, so against my better judgement I got into another screaming match with my ex, this time in person and at my house. The result of this back and forth was my ex trying to force his way into my bedroom so he could, I guess, rip the shelving units off of the wall, or something. I’m a stubborn shit, so I was not having any of that, and I stood in his way, barring the door. At this point my ex grabbed me by the arms and yanked me up into the air and proceeded to throw/shove me through the doorway. Honestly I went a little nuts at that point and I bit and kicked him until being released. Because… #hellthefuckno. Then the verbal assault continued, during which he said something to the effect of “What are you gonna do? Dall the cops? You’re not gonna call the cops. You don’t have the balls to call the cops on me.” Yeah well… surprise, kid. As soon as my roommate and my ex’ brother got him into the other room, I called the local precinct and they sent over not one, not two, not three, but FOUR cop cars to my house. All four of us were interrogated, and the police DEFINITELY indicated that they thought I was being physically abused because of my derby and crossfit bruises. That was kind of crazy, to be honest. The kicker here is that my ex tried to tell them that his concussion and resulting bruises that he showed up at my house WITH were due to our altercation. Come on, kid. You’re over 6′ tall and I’m a measly 5’5″… if I could hit you in the face hard enough to do that, I should be a pro boxer… Which is exactly what I told the cops when they asked me. Anyhow, this whole thing ended with the cops escorting my ex (and his parents who had showed up) back to his house, and me promising to leave all the things he was demanding in the foyer for him to collect the next day (with a police escort).

Overall, I can honestly say that I made the right decision in initiating the breakup. However, all of the ensuing aftermath (my roommate actually ended up moving after all that!) has been just heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. Nothing’s ever black and white, even if it seems like it should be.

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Phew. That was… that took over two hours to write. And that’s not a lot of words to have produced in two hours. And I’m sure people are going to be displeased that I’m telling those stories, but you know what? They’re my stories too and I have a right to them.

So now you’ve got a little taste of why this year feels so negative. In a way I’m glad to get out of it and start fresh in 2014. However, don’t get me wrong, a lot of good things happened in 2013 as well…

1. Traveling

a. Israel with Lil Bro!

In March of this year I got to go on Birthright Israel (with Israel on the House) with my younger brother, Matt. We’re not incredibly ‘Jewish’ Jews, but we both had an amazing time on the trip. I know I personally felt more connected to my religion than I ever had before, if only for the really wicked awesome friends I made on the trip. (Thanks to all of you but especially Ally, Sierra, and Ali!)

b. Bermuda Cruise with Mom!

Summertime usually brings about some kind of spur of the moment trip with my mom, and this year was no different. We headed out on a Celebrity cruise from NJ to Bermuda. The weather was gorgeous, the company was great, and the drinks were plentiful (thanks mom for getting the beverage package!). I highly recommend that trip to anyone and everyone.

c. San Francisco, CA & Las Vegas, NV with Lil Bro!

I’m still in the midst of getting together all of the details for blog-puposes, but my trip to the west coast was absolution astounding. Not only did I get to check out my brother’s new home and office, but I had some of the most amazing experiences both in SF and in Vegas, most notably: Muir Woods, Indoor Skydiving, Club Crawling, and getting my Rook pierced. More to come (and with photos!) on all of this soon. I really do promise…

2. Work

This year I got to transition into working for one of the most awesome supervisors I’ve ever had. I’m still with Infragistics, but I’m in a smaller department now, and I work really closely with my new boss. My job has fluctuated a bit, but overall I’m really enjoying the creativity my new position affords me and I’m looking forward to learning even more in 2014. #cheesyiknow

3. Derby All-Stars

This year for Halloween, I was spending the evening with my deliciously nerdy friends at Nekocon, because the convention was starting the next day. During our revelry, I got a phone call from my NJ Hellrazor teammate, Oldskool. I answered the phone, a bit confused, and was greeted with was sounded to me like, “SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOMGOMGOMGTHETHINGDOYOUHAVESIXTYDOLLARSLETSDOTHETHINGSQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111!!!!!!!!!1111!!11!”

When translated, what Oldskool was trying to say was, “OMG KNOX! WE WERE SELECTED TO PLAY FOR THE NEW JERSEY ALL-STARS ROLLER DERBY TEAM! IT COSTS SIXTY DOLLARS AND I CAN PAY RIGHT NOW! DO YOU WANT ME TO SPOT YOU?! OMGOMGOMG!!!”

As you can see, everything about this began… amazingly. Oldskool did in fact pay for me that night, and in mid-december of this year, she and I both took to the track with 17 other skaters from various NJ teams, to represent our state in a multi-state tournament. Somehow I ended up slated to jam, and surprisingly I didn’t embarrass myself or the team. Phew.

After NJ got knocked out of the tourney, we became surrogate Team Ohio fans, and enjoyed the entirety of the tournament, even though a gigantic snowstorm attempted to derail all of our plans for fun. To date, I’m still so thankful and honored to have been chosen to play for the team and I’m looking forward to hopefully getting together soon and playing more in the 2014 season with my second team. <3

4. Crossfit

I don’t even know where to begin with Crossfit. I guess at the beginning is as good a place as any, right?

I started Crossfit terrified. Although I’ve been athletic all of my life, and I’d been skating derby for 3 seasons, I was under no allusions that I was ‘fit’. Crossfit scared me. It still scares me sometimes. But early this year I convinced a few friends to buy a livingsocial deal with me for Crossfit Nassau, and I couldn’t be more thankful to them for having helped me take my first steps into this world. During my on-ramp classes I hung out with my friends, learning the basics of the fundamental crossfit movements. I was the only one in my group to graduate on-ramp, so I went into regular classes on my own… at which point I latched myself on to Jess D. (thank you!!) and followed her around the gym for my first few weeks while I learned how things operated. I’ve been going to classes 2x a week due to my derby practice schedule (another 2x per week) for the entirety of 2013, aside from when I was on vacation, and I can safely say that it’s been one of the most influential decisions of my entire life. Not only has Crossfit made me fitter, but I’ve found a circle of friends that get it. They get not only the working out and eating healthy (ok, sue me, I just can’t get on the paleo bandwagon), but they get the nerdy, weird, awkward, wtfisgoingonandwhereami, side of me too. It’s so good to just be surrounded by positive people, in a positive setting, IN PERSON. I just can’t really explain the energy in CFN. It’s just home. I walk in now and I feel like, after the year I’ve had, these people have seen me at some of my lowest lows, and they’ve always been there for me with exactly what I needed… whether that was a “who do I need to eff up?”, a corny joke, silently handing me whatever equipment we needed for the day, knowing when I needed plans just so I wouldn’t be home alone, or just seeing me and opening their arms for the hug they knew I needed so desperately… I can’t thank them all enough. My coaches, my boxmates, all of you have become some of the best friends a girl could ever ask for (and more).

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So what’s in a year?

I still stand by the statement that this year has been one of my worst, emotionally speaking. However, that said, some amazing things have happened in my life. I’ve met some amazing people. I’ve done some amazing things.

I can’t say I would change anything that’s happened this year, but I don’t think I ever would change anything. I’m a very strong believer in the sentiment that everything happens for a reason. Frankly, if it didn’t, would we really be the people we are today? Every experience we have, every moment, shapes who we are. If we removed even a small fraction of our history, who knows how that would snowball and end up impacting us, right?

2013, while I’m not quite sorry to see you go, I’m not sad that you happened. I’m proud of myself and my family for persevering during tough emotional times, I’m inspired by my physical/athletic progress, and I’m just so grateful for my friends, new and old, who have been such a large part of my world this year. After the rollercoaster that this year has been, I know that regardless of it all, I’m coming out a stronger, more determined, and more focused person.

Looking forward into next year, I’ve got quite a few plans for myself, including hopefully some major priority shifts in my life. We’ll certainly see how it goes, but right now, I’m excited. But… that could also just be some leftover adrenaline from my olympic lifting class earlier this evening. Who knows?!

Questions/Comments?

Feel free to comment here on my blog, or find me on Twitter @DokiDara.

By Dara Monasch